The Contradiction

I don't imagine there is a person out there who can manage the stresses life throws at us all the time. I see acquaintances on twitter and through this blog who are being tossed in a sea of unfairness and demand. Much as I want to be able to knock out an interesting 500 words bi-weekly, sometimes the demands of having special children and a social care and education system who cannot deliver bespoke packages to complex needs, means that I can't. 

Sometimes I cannot even show love to the man who loves me and supports me because stress, worries and emotional fatigue destroy the most basic blocks of who we are:-our appetites, our energy and our safety and trust. 

So this is it. My demands of him verbalised. My demands so I can show him loving service as our relationship deserves. As he deserves. And that is the contradiction. 

This is the moment I need your most sensitive touch. Not the buzz of a toy or even the gentlest of fingers. I am not ready for physical. I am too worried to be present in my own body.

I need touch that goes beyond lover to love itself. The safety and security of being held. Time to allow the heat of your skin beneath mine, the reassurance of your steady heartbeat, the tickle of chest hair reawakening my senses, to pull me back from this space in my head to space where you can reach me.

I need you to wait for me. To know me and read me and wait for the moment you can demand anything from my body, however long that takes. Don’t let me wallow, but don’t let me drown.

I don’t need you to carry my burdens. I need you to strengthen me, so I can carry them.

I need your demand, because without it I am a shell, bumping along without proper connection to anything, washed in this endless tide of noise.

I need the offering of myself, which has been so ineffectual in solving anything today, to be something you value and find worthy.

I need you to coax something beautiful from me when I feel wrung out and empty.

Let me make you happy. Let something I do, something I am, be something special.

Feed me. Tend me. Restore me.

Then let me serve you.